Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Ramblings of a Normal Guy: Twilight

Welcome to another addition of ramblings of a normal guy. This is my special column, where I go off on wild rants complaining about the things that happen and effect my (and ours) every day life. Because of the excessive amounts of stupidity that will be featured, a large amount of inappropriate language will most likely be used. Also expect a large helping of calling out and "I don't give a crap". Rated M for mature, and read at  your own risk.  

I knew that even before taking up this horrid, soul crushing burden, it would scar me for times to come. From the few stills and quick glimpses alone, anyone with half a brain could tell this was a disaster waiting to happen. Another glance at the Wikipedia entry almost convinced me to just kill myself to get out of it...

But what am I going on about? 

Today's rather depressing entry is about my experience of “you have to see it to prove yourself right, to justify yourself” type of things. After all, there are certain people who kept telling me to try it before you knock it, to actually see it first before I start bitching about it. But after I did, I found myself screaming to the heavens, begging for forgiveness for what ever sin I did to inflict such punishment on myself. Could there be no kind forgiving soul to tap some red lands and hit me with a lightning bolt? WRATH OF GOD EVEN! No one should have to suffer the way I did. The things I've seen, they can not be unseen.

 But now I can't hide it anymore.... I just can't keep this secret anymore. While the source of my discontent came from wanting to know the facts to back up the claim, some lines should never be crossed, and I did just that.

I watched Twilight.





If only Voldemort did his freaking job...
If you have known me for more than ten minutes, you probably heard me at one point making the factual statement of how bad this series is. Holy hell is it bad. Now having submitting to a friends request to watch it, all I can say is wtf mate. Seriously, someone needs to call up The Doctor, and have this woman erased from time


But am I being a bit over dramatic here? For you lucky bastards who don't know what this is, Twilight is a fail four novel long, vampire romance series that appeals to the tiny minds of 16 year old girls (and gay guys) and represent in their entirety some of the worst and most abysmal "literature" ever conceived of. No really. After ten minutes of watching this film, I was ready to jab a pencil into my head till I passed out and died. Regrettably nothing sharp or pointy was in reaching distance. Twilight is also full of one-dimensional characters (gasp) and completely devoid of originality, intelligence and should be shot on sight. This movie is comparable to reading the scribblings of an epileptic downie coloring while a strobe light is being shone on their face. The book series is easily the worst thing to hit the werewolf genre since furries, and the worst thing to happen to vampires ever. The entire series of books and movies has no redeeming value to speak of as either literature or cinema, and should be avoided like The Black Plague. If a book or movie is found on a person, they should immediately be set on fire, for fear of spreading said plague.

After watching not even ten minutes of the movie, I came the (startling) conclusion that the cesspool of the stupidity that are considered conversations between characters, resembled having as much depth as the jokes on a Laffy Taffy. On second thought I would like to retrack my previous statements, as they where far to hurtful towards Laffy Taffys. Expecting some action from a movie that had VAMPIRE and WEREWOLVES, I was dismayed to see instead of feasting upon the living, these “vampires” live among humans, go to high school, and shine like a thousand crystals under the sun. I would hazard a guess that half of their movie budget was spent on stripper glitter. I honestly had to turn down the frigging brightness of my TV. Vampires suck blood and kill things for fun, they do not fucking sparkle! Honestly if you have not watched the movie, you can easily find better things to do with your time, like jamming your head into the wall. Want a summery of the plot? Here:

Emo emo emo emo emo emo emo, baseball, emo emo emo emo emo waaaa ouch, emo emo.

Yea this movie needs to die in a fire...

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